Old Sewing Machine Ads are Creepy!

"Make no mistake, I will slap you."

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Quick! Spot the dead gremlin.

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"I shall slay this giant insect with my umbrella, then return for my hat!"

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Because nothing sells sewing machines like cruelty to cats.

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"Riverdance for your lives, kittens! Before I sew your tails together!"

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"Sew his tail to something," she said, "and make him riverdance."

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Even the monkey is cruel to cats.

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"Never mind the monkey! Strap that sewing machine to the turtle and choke him with it." What about the bunny? "The bunny is a goner!"

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OMG. Foxes, too? What is this fascination with sewing animals' tails?

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At least the lions behave like a family. A creepy family with furniture in the forest where lions don't live.

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Of course there is a sewing machine on this elephant's back. Try to keep up.

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I don't like circus animals. I prefer magicians like Elias Howe. And angels adore him.

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Hey girl. Make that sewing machine disappear. I said I like magic.

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That frog is wearing swim trunks. Everything else seems pretty normal, though.

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Neat. Swim-trunk Frog has a girlfriend. Makes perfect sense.

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Enough with the weird animals. Here, drink some paint, Mr. Tophat. That other guy is laughing so hard at you he might pee himself.

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First date. Last date.

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Were these women about to wrestle? Slap fight? What is happening here?!?

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I'm not impressed by your bicycle, dear sir! I want to see the giant machine that rotary shuttle belongs to!

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Santa Claus couldn't get that treadle through the chimney, but this weirdo can?

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The first rule of hat club is...

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"Get back in the closet!"

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Before Facebook, stalkers used bicycles. Pedal faster, m'lady!

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A wilted top hat, a fan, a bottle in the pocket, and the flexibility of a ballerina. Oh, and a sweet 'stache on Satan.

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"Darn my socks. You can start tonight."

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"Hey, this big 'E' will scrape the hairs from my chin!"

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Grandma paints her eyebrows on weird, but she sure can sew.

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I don't mind that she painted the brand onto the dog, but that fez does not match those suspenders.

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"SQUEEEEEEEEEE!"

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You squeed way too hard. You better have that neck checked.

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A Singer album. A smug Dad. A screaming boy. A terrified little girl. Mom's on Valium. Yep... it's Christmas!

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Um... no. Don't do that.